Wednesday, August 11, 2021
The Intimacies of a Marriage
Recently, I was watching a show on Hulu called The Split. The main character, a
prominent female attorney was describing her marriage (to her lover). I was
intriqued by the character's analysis of her marriage. My husband, a Trust and
Estate lawyer, often deals with NDA's, pre-nups and post-nups, contracts,and
various structuring of assets. So, I am slightly familiar with these terms. An
NDA or non disclosure agreement is often known as a confidentiality agreement.
It's an important legal framework used to protect sensitive and confidential
information from being made public by the recipient(s). In other words, it keeps
a lid on very sensitive information.
Anyway, I began to think that although most of us do not have written NDA's,
or pre-nups or specific written contracts with our spouses,we all have unsaid, unwritten,
and inferred parameters and specific "jobs" within our relationships. The character in
this show believed that you have NDA's which you have "mentally signed on the dotted line."
At no point in the marriage can either partner divulge their intricacies. When you marry,
you essentially make a promise that "all the worst bits of yourself", even ones that
are not okay, are between the two of you. You have found someone who "will live
with them; will live around them; and who won't taunt you with them!" You each
tell yourselves that these little quirks are what endear you to one another.
They are what make you love each other. But, in reality, these may be the things
that ultimately drive you nuts day after day. Leaving dirty clothes on the
floor, using your tweezers to pluck an eyebrow or nose hair, leaving four grapes
in the refrigerator after eating the whole bowl, never turning off the lights,
or denying you said something vengeful after a night of drinking.... Ultimately,
you may carry these tiny intimacies around like weapons and that can be
dangerous. Let your partner know these things bother you before one of you
explodes. Forty four years later and truly, my only complaint is those four
grapes left in the fridge. He is perfect in every way!
As far as the unwritten contract of who does what in a marriage, it usually just
evolves as time goes on. Whether you both work or not, the roles become clear, especially,
once children come into the picture. In my case, I am the decorator, the travel
agent, the scheduler of social dates and restaurant reservations, the grocery
shopper the cook, the baker, the housekeeper, the gift buyer, the holiday
planner, and the bill payer. My husband is the salary provider, the dishwasher,
the garbage and recycle guy, the one who buys the beverages(they're too heavy
for me to schlep), and the one who goes to the ATM. Parental duties were always
split 50/50, and anything to do with our grandchildren-we're both in 100%! Every
marriage is different. Many of my friends have their husbands do the shopping
and cooking, the bill paying, and the social dates. Whatever works is the key.
It organically evolves and the goal should be that you appreciate all that your
partner does, and that neither of you resent what your "jobs" are. Early in my
marriage, I asked my husband to take over the bill paying. About a month later,
fearing that my phone and lights would be shut off, I promptly took that job back!
I recently read that a good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects
they got the better deal. I, for sure, know I got the better deal!
"Marriage is a thousand little things...It's giving up the right to be right in the
heat of an argument. It's forgiving another when they let you down. It's loving someone
enough to step down so they can shine. It's FRIENDSHIP. It's being a cheerleader and
a trusted confidant. It's a place of forgiveness that welcomes one home, and arms they
can run to in the midst of a storm." (Darlene Schact)
BIRTHDAY HUGS TO: L.K., M.J., D.S.C.
PEACE OUT-ONE B
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