Wednesday, August 11, 2021

The Intimacies of a Marriage

Recently, I was watching a show on Hulu called The Split. The main character, a prominent female attorney was describing her marriage (to her lover). I was intriqued by the character's analysis of her marriage. My husband, a Trust and Estate lawyer, often deals with NDA's, pre-nups and post-nups, contracts,and various structuring of assets. So, I am slightly familiar with these terms. An NDA or non disclosure agreement is often known as a confidentiality agreement. It's an important legal framework used to protect sensitive and confidential information from being made public by the recipient(s). In other words, it keeps a lid on very sensitive information. Anyway, I began to think that although most of us do not have written NDA's, or pre-nups or specific written contracts with our spouses,we all have unsaid, unwritten, and inferred parameters and specific "jobs" within our relationships. The character in this show believed that you have NDA's which you have "mentally signed on the dotted line." At no point in the marriage can either partner divulge their intricacies. When you marry, you essentially make a promise that "all the worst bits of yourself", even ones that are not okay, are between the two of you. You have found someone who "will live with them; will live around them; and who won't taunt you with them!" You each tell yourselves that these little quirks are what endear you to one another. They are what make you love each other. But, in reality, these may be the things that ultimately drive you nuts day after day. Leaving dirty clothes on the floor, using your tweezers to pluck an eyebrow or nose hair, leaving four grapes in the refrigerator after eating the whole bowl, never turning off the lights, or denying you said something vengeful after a night of drinking.... Ultimately, you may carry these tiny intimacies around like weapons and that can be dangerous. Let your partner know these things bother you before one of you explodes. Forty four years later and truly, my only complaint is those four grapes left in the fridge. He is perfect in every way! As far as the unwritten contract of who does what in a marriage, it usually just evolves as time goes on. Whether you both work or not, the roles become clear, especially, once children come into the picture. In my case, I am the decorator, the travel agent, the scheduler of social dates and restaurant reservations, the grocery shopper the cook, the baker, the housekeeper, the gift buyer, the holiday planner, and the bill payer. My husband is the salary provider, the dishwasher, the garbage and recycle guy, the one who buys the beverages(they're too heavy for me to schlep), and the one who goes to the ATM. Parental duties were always split 50/50, and anything to do with our grandchildren-we're both in 100%! Every marriage is different. Many of my friends have their husbands do the shopping and cooking, the bill paying, and the social dates. Whatever works is the key. It organically evolves and the goal should be that you appreciate all that your partner does, and that neither of you resent what your "jobs" are. Early in my marriage, I asked my husband to take over the bill paying. About a month later, fearing that my phone and lights would be shut off, I promptly took that job back! I recently read that a good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal. I, for sure, know I got the better deal! "Marriage is a thousand little things...It's giving up the right to be right in the heat of an argument. It's forgiving another when they let you down. It's loving someone enough to step down so they can shine. It's FRIENDSHIP. It's being a cheerleader and a trusted confidant. It's a place of forgiveness that welcomes one home, and arms they can run to in the midst of a storm." (Darlene Schact) BIRTHDAY HUGS TO: L.K., M.J., D.S.C. PEACE OUT-ONE B

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