CAREGIVER SYNDROME: WHEN YOUR PARENT BECOMES YOUR CHILD

Caregiving and needing care will happen to all of us. One day a parent will need our help just as we once needed theirs. Noone told us that having children will drastically change our lives; just as noone warned me that caregiving would often be hard and thankless work. Initially, it begins with small things: requests for groceries, picking up prescriptions from the pharmacy, an occasional doctor's appointment. No problem. But, as your parent physically declines, their situations and care needs change daily. Now you are dealing with hygiene issues, memory issues, administering medications, and a host of other things such as nutrition, proper hydration, exercise, etc. For me, eventhough my mom is in an assisted living facility, I feel overwhelmed and stressed all the time. I am emotionally and physically drained and close to burnout. Not always, but often it's the daughters who bear the brunt of responsibility when caring for aging parents. I know all the advice that is given to alleviate my stress: Set boundaries, accept my limitations, stay active, meditate, find a balance between your kids, your work, your friends, and your grandchildren. And self care. "Caregiver syndrome" strongly manifests as exhaustion, insomnia, anger, rage, resentment, guilt, and anxiety when dealing with a chronically ill parent. In the past year, I have had thryroiditis, various bouts with chalazions which led to surgery,a pinched nerve in my neck, high blood pressure, and a blip on my ekg which led (thankfully) to 2 normal stress tests. I recently read that there is a 63% higher risk of mortality in caregivers than non-caregivers of the same age. My mother is 94 and she may very well outlive me! My immune system has surely declined since my mom moved here! Yet my 94 year old mom who is in heart failure is doing fine, except for her daily falls! Brothers and Sisters offer some relief, but generally they are best at giving you support and advice while running in the other direction. They do not talk to the doctors for hours on end. They do not get the phone calls in the middle of the night when mom has fallen. They do not oversee that all medications are being ordered by hospice. They do not visit on any regular basis. They do not pay bills. As a result, I have given up time with my husband, my children and my grandchildren and declined social activities with friends in favor of time spent on caregiving activites. And, when I finally do have a little free time, I'm too emotionally drained to do anything or see anyone. I just want a bed and Netflix. It's not any easier for the aging parent either. They feel a loss of independence and rightfully struggle to maintain some sense of control. Parents rebel and do not want to be told what to do. This fosters anger and resentment towards the caregiver. This past year of Covid bred isolation which in turn resulted in lonliness, depression, and more health decline for the aged. It's a difficult dilemma for both the parent and the child who is the caregiver. I feel I have an ethical responsibility to make sure my loved ones are safe, secure, and getting the attention they need. We have a duty to help loved ones as they age, but there are limits. I must learn to set limits and accept my limitations. Because at times, I feel I just can't continue on this path. I am blessed to have had my dad here for 95 years, and I am blessed to still have my mom here at 94 years. Hopefully, I will continue to keep her well, and at the same time find the road to my sanity! "How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these." George Washington Carver PEACE OUT-HAPPY 4TH! ONE B