As most of you know, I lost my Dad several weeks ago. For 93 of his 95 years, he led a pretty terrific life. He was a great guy who loved life. He had a desire and an intense curiosity to learn no matter how old he was. He also enjoyed music, Broadway shows, crossword puzzles, good food, travel, golf, and nice clothes; but, most of all he loved people. He had the gift of gab; although, he was rarely frivolous. He did, however, take a certain delight in being a bit provocative...Peck's bad boy! Everyone loved him too-he instantly lit up every room he entered. He was a beloved dentist and diagnostician who enjoyed conversing with his patients, just as much as he enjoyed excelling in the art of Dentistry.
He was a liberal-minded man who taught me to love all types of people. Everyone has something special to offer, and we are all equal and entitled to respect. There was zero prejudice at our dinner table. There was no hate. There was no gossip. He exhibited empathy for those who were less fortunate and total acceptance for anyone who might be a little different. He did, however, expect honesty, respect, and straight A's! He made me a perfectionist who doesn't tolerate lies, bad behavior, or unkindness. As a result, I am a demanding parent and grandparent. I, too, expect others to be the best they can be. And yes, I do hold a grudge if someone's done me wrong. I will also let others know in what way they have upset me, and I will work hard to try and right it (but, only if you matter to me!).
Now that my Dad has passed, I am contemplating what, if any, lessons I can take from his death? It is devastating to think I won't talk with him anymore, or laugh with him. As I ponder all this, I realize that, although I feel overwhelmed and sad, we are all here on this planet to thrive; to live, to enjoy our spouses, children, grandchildren, and friends. Yes, Dad taught me that! So how can I thrive? How can I be a better person? A better spouse? A better Mom, Nonni, and friend?
1) I have come to realize that it is key is to focus on the present. Don't worry so much about the "What if's." Live more in the moment-Enjoy what's happening now. Don't fret so much about tomorrow. Stop and smell the roses.....This is hard, especially for an anal, organized perfectionist! But, I'm working on it.
2) I don't always need to maintain a stiff upper lip. Repressing feelings only makes things worse. I can let people know if I'm having a tough time. Don't feel the need to hide your sorrow or disappointment. It's ok to have a breakdown every now and then! And, welcome the comfort of others. It can be replenishing!
3) Most of all, I need to nurture myself. I can't always try to accommodate everyone else's needs at the expense of my own. Unfortunately, this has been my MO for my entire life. It's hard for me to say no without feeling a tremendous amount of guilt. I have to acknowledge that I am no good to anyone if I am not ok mentally and physically. So, I have started saying "no" and trying not to feel guilty about it. I hope those who love me understand that, at this time in my life, I need to take a few moments for just me. Self care is not selfish.
My Dad's death has made me acutely aware of my own mortality and it's caused me to contemplate how my children will deal with my aging process. It is not an easy road. My next journey is navigating my 92 year old Mom to New Jersey from her home in Florida. This is as difficult for her as it is for me. It takes love, time, planning, patience and prayer. And possibly Xanax or Vodka (just not together). For now, I am trying hard to focus on one day at a time. I want to concentrate on celebrating my parents wonderful marriage of 72 years, and the happy and fun childhood they gave me. I want to celebrate my Dad's spectacular and long life, and be thankful that I had him around for 65 years of mine.
Peace Out-One B
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