Currently I am dealing with the inevitable misfortune of ailing elderly parents. When not in Florida visiting with them and tending to their immediate needs, I am in New Jersey fielding calls and texts. Each day, all day, it is a barrage of communication from hospice, doctors, aides, case managers, social workers, and my parents. Major issues need attention and mediating from a distance is difficult and ineffective. My mother (who is quite ill in her own right) is presently the healthier spouse. Her only concern is keeping my father alive - it is actually quite selfish, but understandable after almost 72 years of wedded bliss. She denies him sedating medication even though it often helps quiet some of his ailments. What I repeatedly witness day after day is their glimmer of hope that they will get better. She and he are in total denial most of the time and then occasionally there is a fleeting moment of reality that this may actually be the end. During my many visits there while they sleep 90% of their lives away, I have had too much time to reflect upon life and death. Much of what I am about to say are quotes from the book The Unwinding of A Miracle by Julie Yip-Williams and from an article in The Atlantic by Ezekiel Emanuel. These two people have given me a clearer idea of what the end of life is like for both the parents and their children who sadly witness their decline.
"We all are obsessed with living a healthy lifestyle all in a valiant effort to cheat death and prolong life." And my parents HAVE cheated death and lived almost all of their 92 and 95 years enjoying great health, knowing intense love, socializing with many friends, savoring family, travel, and their early retirement in a beautiful warm climate. They have experienced what all of us can only hope for.
But, sadly, the harsh reality is that death awaits us all. Yes, and "death deprives us of experiences and milestones." My parents are blessed to have achieved many milestones, and they are no longer having experiences. Observing their current behavior and actions, I have come to understand that it is human nature to put up the good fight; to be eternally hopeful that we will feel better tomorrow, and to never give up. But, for them, at this juncture, it is not realistic.
My parents are no longer " living a vibrant life. They are alive but incapacitated. They are hostages in their own home. Sometimes living too long is also a loss. It renders many of us, if not disabled, then faltering and declining." To me, this is a state that is possibly worse than death.
I believe my parents " have a fear of being small, of becoming irrelevant and worst of all, being forgotten. That is why they continue to resist death. I also believe that "true inner strength does lie in facing death with peace and serenity. The truth is that death isn't the enemy but simply an inevitable part of life. I know that truth is very difficult for all of us to accept. But living a life with no quality transforms people. It changes the way people experience us, relate to us, and most of all remember us. I want to look back on my parents with all the happy memories and admiration for their lives well lived. I don't want to resent the constant phone calls. I don't want to feel angry and anxious. I feel helpless and I must admit, I am having great difficulty navigating this trying and complicated time. We all will go through or have gone through this stage with our parents, It isn't easy to balance my emotions and at the same time keep my parents safe and calm. It is a horrendous time for all of us.
So in the end, I want my parents to realize they have loved and certainly, have been loved. They should rejoice in the knowledge that they raised successful, kind and happy children. These children have now raised their own amazing, fabulous children. And now, those children are in the midst of their own rich lives and raising their little ones. They should take pleasure and solace in the fact that they had a large part in creating this incredible extended family.
So all my friends out there-LIVE WHILE YOU LIVE because there won't be a u-haul behind your coffin.....
No comments:
Post a Comment