My role as a daughter, a spouse, a parent and as a grandparent are cherished. To provide eternal and unconditional love to my parents, husband, children and grandchildren is a privilege and a blessing. No one gave us a rule book as to how we take on these roles. We learn by our trials and tribulations and do the best we can, hoping for success.
In the past month, I have had the unique opportunity of spending "quality" time with my 91 year old Dad and 88 year old mom and shortly after that stint, I had the honor of babysitting my 8 month old and 35 month old grandsons. What I realized is that there are many similarities when caring for these two very different age groups.
What my parents want most at this point in their lives is to be independent. They don't want help stepping off a curb, or for me to chauffeur them when I am there, or (for me) to buy food and stock their refrigerator. They still want to do everything on their own. I totally understand their desire to be independent, but at what point, do we suggest no more driving, or that someone else should shlep the groceries and bottled water into the house? I continually worry about their safety. I want to create an accident free environment. No area rugs, bars in the shower and by the toilets, etc.
Proper nutrition and hydration is also a concept that they really don't value at this age. I am constantly asking them to eat more and drink more. Please take your medications with food! Doctors don't coordinate with each other or care about medications being prescribed by other physicians. This is a huge issue that creates added stress. So, I am now their child telling them what to do. This, understandably, creates uneasiness and tension.
And, finally, I have concerns about their loneliness and their fear and depression that they are outliving their money and their contemporaries. Since they live far and I can't get there every few weeks, this creates a lot of guilt on my end. When I am there, I am consumed that nothing will happen to them while on "my watch". I worry about their safety and their needs 24/7 and I never feel I am doing enough to ensure they will be ok.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, as a grandparent, you want to foster independence in your grandchildren. You encourage them to take that first step, say their first word, drink from a cup, play by themselves and with friends. Of course, you love that they need you and want to be with you, BUT you still cheer them on when they show you they can do it all by themselves. And at the same time you want to create an environment that will ensure they are safe.
As far as nutrition and hydration for our little ones, the parents and grandparents, are constantly aware of providing the proper ratios of vegetables, fruits, fats, carbs, water, protein, and not too many sweets or juices. All we want is for our grandchildren is for them to thrive, and grow big and strong with very few hiccups along the way.
We don't worry so much about loneliness as we do with my elderly parents. Rather, with the toddlers, we worry about proper socialization skills: sharing toys, playing nice, no bullying, no hitting or biting, etc.
Recently, I heard Diane von Furstenberg sum up the essence of motherhood and I think she hit the nail on the head when she said:
"The first rule of motherhood is to do everything you can to make your children independent and confident. Stay true to yourself, to your love for your kids, and to your values. By the time your kids become parents themselves, you will smile as you watch them repeat to their children all the things they heard you say-but pretended not to!
I tried to do just that with my daughters. Now the really hard part comes along-raising your parents and grandchildren with the same grace, compassion, humility, and a lot of love.
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