The Unspoken Rules of a Successful Relationship

As we approach Valentine's Day, I've been thinking about what makes a relationship work. Whether you are dating, engaged, married, or living together it takes a lot of effort to have a continuous loving bond. Many factors contribute to a long lasting alliance. First and foremost, you must communicate clearly, and really listen to what your partner is expressing. Do NOT deny or defend your behavior. Try to understand that if your partner is upset or sad about something, it is valid. PERIOD. Even if you don't think you committed an egregious act, listen to what the other person is expressing. And remember, that Yelling does not make your spouse or significant other hear you better. Have a calm discussion and try to compromise with one another and resolve the issues. FORGIVE and RESPECT one another; and value each other's input. ALWAYS APOLOGIZE-YOU ARE ALWAYS WRONG! Never say something you cannot take back or that you will regret. Your partner(spouse, fiance)will remember that comment forever. It will come back to haunt you in every argument; and it will come between you again and again. Everyone disagrees sometimes, but no matter how heated things get, NEVER call each other names. That's just basic respect. Be transparent at all times. Discussions about medical issues, money issues, work issues, friend issues, and children issues are necessary and should not be held back. Trust is crucial in a relationship and it is almost impossible to repair once its broken. If you love someone, you should not hold back any information. That is the worst way to approach a problem. No one wants to be shielded or protected from the truth. Rather, they want to help find a solution to the problem (which involves both of you). We need to ask, "how can I help?" Tell each other what you need, and don't assume the other person automatically knows what is needed. Don't take your children's side in front of them. If you disagree with your spouse or partner-do it privately. In other words, have a united front in front of the kids, and have an independent discussion later. Never put down your spouse in front of anyone: (friends/family). And, ESPECIALLY not to your parents. You may think it's okay to vent or it's funny, but it is not. And most importantly, if you are the one doing the listening-do not comment! Tomorrow the couple will be totally fine, and now they're pissed at you. Don't criticize your significant others parents, siblings, relatives-unless they initiate. And even then, they'll end up resenting your criticism at a later date. Try to remain silent-it's super hard.... Don't believe your spouse or partner when they say they need nothing or don't want a present. It doesn't have to be a big deal. The smallest gesture is appreciated (however, not a blender, toaster, or socks!). How about a love letter? Find a way to split chores. If one cooks, the other can do the dishes. If one does the laundry, the other can fold it. If one grocery shops, the other can unpack the groceries. Easy Peasy. Don't try to change each others basic character traits. You knew about them when you fell in love. In fact, those characteristics might have been the impetus for your initial attraction. Don't try to change your significant other. Let them SHINE! Couples should share values, morals, goals, and fun. Pursue your common interests. Travel, sports, music, literature, food, theater, current events, cards, movies.. Make time for each other as a couple to enjoy those interests-it's so important to take this time and enjoy one another. We never know what tomorrow brings. However, it is of utmost importance to plan for personal time as well. It is necessary to have independent hobbies and the freedom to do them without pressure or guilt from your partner. Physical Connection-Kiss, hold hands, dance, cuddle, touch, have sex-no one is ever too old and it's so crucial to have that physical bond. Whether you have been together for 48 years or for 3 years, honesty and empathy go a long way. Every couple is different and what worked for your great grandparents or your best friend may be the total opposite of what works for you and your significant other. Each long term relationship has its own secrets and love language. And, YES, Sometimes you will drive your partner crazy. But remember to have love, gratitude, compassion, laughs, fun, and sex. If you don't continually nurture those, you can't maintain a healthy and happy love connection. WISHING EVERYONE A HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! PEACE OUT-ONE B