Love and Marriage

This week my husband and I will be celebrating our 44th Anniversary. Over the years, We have overcome significant obstacles and faced many challenges. I have had lots of time to reflect on what contributes to enduring love and a lasting marriage. My husband and I couldn't be more different. I think I am outgoing, independent, extremely organized and anal, and more often than not, contemplating(or worrying about)the next task or obligation. He appears to be more cerebral, quieter, reserved but friendly, organized but "seemeingly" relaxed (it's a facade!) and always goes with the flow focusing only on the present. He has the ability to compartmentalize issues. I cannot. I take everything in and worry about it all at once. But, when I am upset or scared about something (my kids, illness, parents) he literally holds me up. And, when he is having a moment and losing it and about to freak out, I am suddenly his reasonable, calming, and supportive force. Leo Tolstoy said, "What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility." Do we argue? Yes! Do we make up easily? No! Love doesn't mean you will always agree or never have an argument. It means that despite the bad days you still can't see yourself without that person. My advice to couples is think before you speak. The most important take away is this: Do not try and win the argument. Don't try to defend your actions or words. Don't try to give an explanation as to why you did this or that, OR why you didn't. LISTEN to your spouse when they are expressing an issue. Whether you believe it to be valid or not, DOES NOT MATTER. This is the most important advice I can give after 44 years: Empathize with the feelings that your spouse is communicating. Sympathize. Apologize without a "but I" or a defensive response. Know it wasn't easy to express or emote these feelings to your spouse. And know that these feelings are very real to her/him. Now, it is the time to do better. Be better. Period. Remember that you cannot recover words after they are said or recover the time after its gone. Once you respond with that horrible insult, it is ALWAYS there. Lyndon Johnson said, "Only two things are necessary to keep one's spouse happy. One is to let them think they are having their own way-the other is to let them have it!" For me the definition of what defines a good Marriage is continued Courtship, Mutual Respect, a healthy dose of Admiration, Love, Trust, Friendship, Sacrifice, and Acceptance. In a marriage, "the independence of a wife and husband should be equal; their dependence mutual, and their obligations reciprocal." I have to admit that I love my alone time,and I cherish our together time. The pandemic presented major challenges since we were with each other 24 hours a day. But we established a routine early on and it was a absolutely fine after the first week! So, never stop holding hands, buying each other little gifts, having date nights, telling your spouse how proud of them you are. And, know that you can tell them anything and it will remain just between the two of you. Foot massages, roses, date nights, and love letters work too.. Jud, "when I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew." Arrigo Boito "In all the world there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world there is no love for you like mine." Maya Angelou HAPPY 44TH! ONE B